6/22/10

my very last absolutely one and only sons first birthday

so as i have said i have four children, what i haven't shared yet is i have a child in heaven. he was needed and was taken to him. so in my heart i have two boys, but for the purposes of not having to share it with everyone i meet i say i have four children. i am not one for the pitty hugs and the oh my goodness or why did you not sue conversations.

so back to the reason for this post. my youngest and last child is turning one tomorrow. i am sad. not that he is turning one but that it will be my very absolutely last first birthday. as i sit here typing i am getting teary eyed. some of you may not be able to understand and some of you may know exactly whats going on in side of me.

he started walking on fathers day night, walking towards me. the only one of my children to walk towards me. he is starting to talk and is starting to do things on his own. you know that first toddler stage stuff.

i have always been the mom who believed in being married, pregnant and barefoot. i have always seen my self being that house wife/ stay-at-home mommy type. and now that i have taken a part of that away from my self i am sad. it hit me when i made the decision and it hit me when i was doing it and now it is hitting me harder then before.

my little boy is getting bigger. soon he wont want me to kiss him because his friends are watching. and soon he wont want me to go anywhere with him because he is to cool. i am sad.

but then i am thinking, look what i have accomplished in raising my children. look at what i have done for them, just look. i am watching him sleep knowing that when he gets up he will be one. he wont feel any different but i will. he will get a few extra kisses tomorrow and a few extra hugs. but i hope just hope i will get and extra one from him.

happy birthday Cristofer Alexander

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